Tag Archives: fear

Rotted Vile Hole

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There is no hope. There is no help.

Longer than the usual have weathered the wear, each moment something to be selected and discarded. One foot in front of the other, watch life curdle and die before innocent eyes, what hope can be dashed that has not started inside? It’s where it always is.

Stuck in a mire. Guilt. Time and time again the message is lost against the bones they fall on, the need replaced with the desire. One person lies, the other smiles. The other again smiles ’till death. See it lurking? Writing through the thick shades.

Light a luxury, the future holds the lies of all kinds dear- unknown, realized, or otherwise. Familiar faces vomit ugly words as they continue to forget to listen. Apathy realized, there is nothing but a fleeting odor of rot. Hollow and lifeless. Empty and hopeless.

Where is the waiting? Always waiting. Fatigue. Despair. Guilt. Terror as the inescapable becomes accepted. Submission. Envied, spiteful submission. Jealousy.

Hiding where we should thrive.

I’ve lost my patience.

Dark Hope

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Human matters have become more and more alien to me.

There is no purpose in this pathetic life. Why do you breathe? Why do I? I don’t have any reasons except the need to find a reason every day I draw breath. Why? I don’t know. I truly don’t.

I guess friends and family can stay the tide of self harm. But when does that cease being effective? Or when does it stop offering comfort?

This world and its people deserve to die and burn in the fires of unimaginable agony to pay for all the terrible, horrible destruction and corruption we have plagued this planet with. All my endeavors are tainted by my own humanity, my own innate disgusting human- my species.

Watching the world with tired, angry eyes as the humans scurry around me, worried about problems that I will never care about. When I am told by someone that they purchased a new car, I truly don’t care about your pathetic achievement. I took a shit today. They are on par. When I am told by someone that they love their job, I want to suffocate them with my fists, jam them down their ignorant throats and fist fuck their face until death. Why? I don’t fuckin’ know. Envy? Jealousy? Frustration? Anger? You pick. When someone gushes about a new product they’ve purchased, or an inconvenience they’ve suffered, or the dues that they no longer have to pay my only answer to them is SHUT THE FUCK UP.

That’s the answer I have for myself most days. Not today.

Ever spent some time in the burning purgatory of retail? What about customer service? If one wants to find out how petty, useless, and pathetic the human race is, enter the working world and listen to what people complain about. Are they valid? Or empty? It doesn’t matter because they will tell you if it is or not. And you must believe it. They will abuse and berate you, and you must exercise control.

I knew a greeter for Sam’s Club once. Vietnam veteran. He asked an individual for his club card as he entered one day, and the individual spit on him and said, “I don’t have to show you a fuckin’ thing.”

Because he took that abuse, he kept his job. Was it worth it? Fuck what you know. When others complain, I cannot listen. Mostly because there is too much running around in my mind and coherent thought is a luxury most days. I complain. Right now, I’m complaining. And I am just as useless as the rest because I am doing NOTHING about how I feel. I am letting myself feel miserable, and every day I recognize this means nothing. Nothing beyond self awareness. But I am functional.

I found my hatred bare one day before I adopted it into my soul. Hatred starts scared. Tiny, puny, shrinking from conflict. I took it in, sheltered it, and it became a part of me as I nurtured it with fear and watched in horror as it grew into a black, endless rage thickened by depression and despair.

In this world. This shitty, terrible fuckhole of a gaping diseased asshole we call modern society, there are people working actively to make it worse. Are you one of them? If yes, kill yourself.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t tied my own noose yet.

 

Concede

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Sensations of relinquishment as the current of life pulls a tiny carcass under into the dark water.

Facing every challenge with a preconceived notion of failure. Failure because there is nothing that inflicts real feeling in a sea of grey indifference. Stare at everything in deep apathy. It’s all a lie. It’s all false. What is considered to be proper is poison. Proper, legal poison. Sanctioned, labeled, and identified.

What we have is stupid. It is a collection of ideas, items, and metaphors that dictate every single action. What does this look like?  Take a look at your blessings. Do they matter? No. It is all futile. Participate, or be exiled. Assimilate.

I hate my life. Every second of it. I’ve tried to feel different. Say different. But I hate it. More specifically, I hate living my life. Waking up in the morning is the worst part of my day because I am conscious once more. After waking, all I can think about is not being here.

Dreams are corrosive. They linger and destroy everything else that exists in an individual’s path. Dreams will fail because you will fail. Dreams are ignorant. Dreams die, just like hope. Love. Joy. It all dies, and we are expected to live in spite of it. Live. What a cruel word.

Only a in a world like this can we use such an inaccurate word as “live.” Humans don’t live, we excrete. The lives we have are short and pathetic, filled with nothing in between birth and death. Happiness an illusion, fabricated by a mind unwilling to die. There is no “living” anymore. People merely exist, and wait to be shoved on to the next retarded thing that they deem overly important.

Live. Life. These words are vile. The two shouldn’t even be in the same sentence, let along have a similar meaning. You can’t live life anymore! Are you insane? One can only have a life. Living comes when you’re dead.

Words are vile in general. Especially when used in lies, like “I’ll always be there for you.” That’s an impossibility, and not even on the tangible side. I hate this phrase. I hate it because it is an inherit lie. Even when I say it, I know it’s a lie.

They will all abandon sooner or later. They forget about what has been done, said, or bestowed. “What do I do? ~ I don’t know.” “I feel so helpless!” ~ “I’m sorry.” “I need your help!” ~ “You must believe in yourself!”

If that is the case, at least have the courtesy  of telling me you have no intention of paying attention. But then again, what’s wasted time but air and frustration? I don’t know. Right? The universal answer to every question ever asked by a desperate person to an idiot? “I DON’T KNOW.”

Of course you don’t know. But you offered help anyway. Help that you weren’t ready to give or understand, but you did it anyway. Don’t ask stupid questions. Don’t say stupid answers. Just don’t say. Be fucking silent because I am certain you have nothing useful to say.

I am tired of listening to people “just trying to help” because THEY DON’T HELP. In fact, in the most turbulent times of my life, I would turn to others and find their help lacking and disinterested. Here’s the part where I insert something inspirational, right? To keep things light? No. There is no light here. No help. No love. There is only apathy and ignorance, the true National Anthem. Hell, make it a Global Anthem, it still applies for fuck’s sake.

I am waiting to die.

 

 

Fear

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Hearts beat furious held in unsure panic; fear has taken grip again. There is no reason other than living…the guilt of being born. Our only true sin.

Terror holds with a tightening grip. The moments tick by as fear pushes toward the final moment, the final endless moment when terror swirls and fogs the vision of the path before you. One cannot even walk such a thing when blinded by fear. Choking, cloying, clotted.

I want to stand where I am and never move again. I want to watch the world continue as I wither and die in spite of it. I want to wash in my terror, indulge it, become petrified by it. Safe, hollow, and utterly alone. Does a shell matter?

Hollow.

Negativity can fill the holes that fear leaves, more specifically fear corrupting into doubt. The black, tarry emotions that destroy seek such a vacuum- they are looking something to hold on to. Like terror.

I am scared. I can feel it inside my stomach, raising toward the top of my neck to inflict that little pinch before the point of no return. I can feel it. I can feel it. The anxious hope that it will disappear only to continue. Don’t expect support because those who cower in fear are splattered in this world and their last moments of indignity are recorded and sold for a tiny profit.

Lost lives litter these lost paths wandering and frozen within the melancholy of imperfect nostalgia. Scared about things they have not completed, scared about doing things that they have not completed, scared to see things they haven’t seen. These are the bodies that walk alive. They are shells. Hollow. Filled with emptying fear.

I want to remove my eyes and start screaming, screaming and laughing as I remove more and more of myself, destroying all my senses until there is nothing but. Fear. Then…maybe then. I’ll be free.

 

 

 

Tide of Violence

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Humanity is founded on the base need to hate and kill. All civilizations were built on bones and blood, their histroy hailed and celebrated and taught as something just and righteous. History is not written by the victor, it is simply written. There are versions of history all over the planet that change on bias, intelligence, and tradition. Human history is pointless simply because there is nothing to be celebrated outside of the overshadowed compassion and hope that our species sometimes personifies.

Violence is in human nature. We have “advanced” intellects and brains, along with strong and able bodies, and when we disagree, we turn toward violence. There is nothing more natural and hideous. It is everywhere. Consider yourself peaceful? You are not. Violence teems just behind your eyes, locked away within the primordial memories of the subconscious. It is all you ever want, and it is all humans can aspire to.

Urges are natural, correct? Even though humans are usually suppressed when it comes to sexuality, we are exposed to violence- even told that some forms of it are good, or lawful, or even righteous. Violence and fucking are the same act with different outcomes. The hate in our brains is distracted by hopefully love at the most, and pleasure at the least. Humans eat, drink, fuck and sleep not for sustenance, but for entertainment. We are merely looking for distractions, distractions to keep us safe from our primal sides. Our only side.

Civilization and manners are tricks. Parlor tricks, akin to what you’d teach a dog. Humans are just animals that can learn really complex tricks. What’s driving a car? Shooting a gun? Following orders? Cooking a meal? Assembling a nuclear power plant? Designing a rocket? Diagnosing an illness and treating it accordingly? Advanced. Human. Tricks. Nothing more. Strip that all away and there is nothing but the beast, the being that we are all afraid to be. And its this suppression that makes cooperation, civilization and global teamwork impossible.

Hiding behind words, laws, terms, phrases, beliefs, facts, fictions- we aspire to be an elevated Human, a person of great skill, success, and popularity whether in general, or in their own sphere of existence. Truth is we are humans, a species of animal, no greater in importance than any other creature by default on this planet. Humans are everywhere because we are feral, uncontrolled. We breed without plan or morality, we neglect our children in hopes of making more, maybe getting it “right.”

Suppression will always lead to outburst. When we bury our dark desires opposed to examining, understanding, and learning from them, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over, acting in the folly that this time! This time…will be different. It won’t be. The reason for this is simple- humans are unhappy because we are animals covered with clothes and bombarded with social constraints and ideals. Imagine putting your dog in a suit and then screaming at him when he doesn’t meet the sales goal for June. If you wouldn’t do that to a dog, why a human?

When did we decide we need all the technology and extra population to survive? When did we decide that murder must be suppressed, except when it isn’t? Like in movies, art, video games, and crime? What changes? Nothing.

We are a suppressed species, denied our own urges and thoughts for so long that we are evolving toward apathy. Suppression, and the choice to be civil, are not the same.

 

 

People Watching- Ever Notice This?

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Look at people as they walk around in whatever little prison they have chosen to exist in today and ask yourself if you notice anything they all have in common.

People watching is one of my favorite activities. I like to study humans because I am one, and it helps me to better define my world around me if I am able to classify and judge my fellow humans beings. Depressed, sometimes I just sit in one place and silently observe humans and the world they squat on. And I’ve noticed something disturbing.

No-one is smiling.

Now, interaction with another or witnessing something funny doesn’t count. Also, these people weren’t exhibiting neutral faces, either. They just looked miserable. I watch humans move from one place to another and accomplish nothing even though they are completing something. Gnarled with apathy, frustration, anger, grief, sadness. Human language just gets in the way- our real expressions and meanings are better monitored by watching the face, and listening for vocalizations.

Volume and appearance are two things humans understand very well, and language does nothing but mottle and confuse our own natural reactions, degrading thought and instinct into “choice”. It’s all downhill after that. A facial expression says more than most words can, and for the complexities of life that need language to survive, to function? Outdated. We’re doing the same shit over and over because well? We’ve always DONE DID IT THAT WAY! What a great fuckin’ reason to keep doing something, right!?

Humans aren’t happy creatures. We’re not built that way. We are not made to bring in the sunshine and save the planet. We are here, like any other creature, to assert dominance through violence (metaphorical or tangible) and remain the king. Problem with humans is that when a king gets old, there’s no younger, smarter, stronger person to force the masses and the idiots that lead them toward extinction. Instead, we have so many kings and queens all over this planet, we’ve all become subjects and slaves, including the repulsive noble class (rulers, politicians, bankers, billionares, CEOs, tycoons, etc) that we labor for and continuously hate and love depending on whim.

Humans have been practicing metaphorical pseudo-intellectual auto-cannibalism for YEARS! Accomplishments are measured with blood and success in the human world. I mean, why do you think everyone looks so pissed and miserable? As you shuffle to your next hole to hide in, consider this. You are the only one in control of your life and death. Even if murdered, the control you have is to relinquish life, or fight for it- either way you are still worshiping death.

Death. Stare at a humans face and study the features. See where the skin is stretched across the skull? See where the eyes sink into the sockets? That skull, a symbol of death, is always there. When you look at another human being, you are watching them die before your eyes, you are watching their skull come forward and their mortality sink back into it, deep in the shadow of the brow until lost in darkness.

And instead of spending time with people we care about, we are too busy working at a job we hate/tolerate (your a godamn liar if you say you love your job 100% of the time) to obtain money for things we don’t need and have invented for others to want, and then finally need. Humans feed into this loop like we belong there.

That being said, here’s something else. Misery loves company. Positivity is infectious. Humanity’s default state is negativity because of how we forced ourselves into compartments honeycombed through understanding. Positivity is a choice. Negativity is the default. Humans are forgetting this, and they are becoming more and more fixated on tasks, rewards, and death. We value all the wrong things, you know.

I mean, why do you think no-one is smiling?

Death- the Only True Human Religion

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Trapped in this wretched hole as each click of the clock shreds reason and vitality. I am sick of this place. Every moment, every accomplishment is tainted by the darkness of this world. Blood-colored glasses opposed to rose, glass shattered not full. Watching in silence, each human moving slowly through their pathetic lives, just like me. Even the rich ones. The celebrated ones, the humans who we elevate for no reason other than masturbatory aid and spite, they are just as pathetic and pointless.

Money, whether one has it or not, does not dictate the quality of ones life. The quality comes from within and without, a collective forced upon us all by the other stinking, greasy apes we share this shithole with. Ever smell humans in a crowd? Their sweat, their breath, pushing against your lips and face, the sick primitive heat pulsing below an oily sheet of weeping sores and nerves. Itchy, irritating, like a burn from human waste.

There are no humans worthy of saving. No humans worthy of anything but misery and death, the only things we fully understand and worship. Truly, death- misery can be quelled, but all of our actions stem from the terror of death. More than just instinctual, modern humans hide from it, sheltering themselves under substance, surgery and medicine- atavism, fashion, entertainment, breeding, eating, it’s all in worship to death.

It’s the only true human religion. Death. It’s something that we all understand collectively. We don’t know what happens leading up to death or what happens after, but humans constantly prepare themselves for that moment, the split second before the grave when life and death hold together before drifting apart once more. Rot. Decay.

Have you ever took in the odor of a rotting carcass on the side of the road? Bloated in the summer, black welts pushing through the pristine fur you’d still like to touch. Their guts, blood, misery- all frozen in their last moment, their dignity displayed. I envy and laugh at the dead. The reverence they receive, the reverence they don’t. Respect for life to worship death isn’t even a thought. We kill, metaphorically kill, betray, destroy. Look at what we’ve created in the name of medicine, or life. Now look what we’ve created in the name of death.

Guns, swords, bombs, poison, explosives. The filthy human can destroy the planet a thousand times over but we still hack humans open in the name of health to heal them. And heal them we do, sure. But consider the sophistication of modern weaponry when compared to medicine. We can kill anything, but we still lack cures for diseases that have been around for too long. We cannot heal anything.Humans prolong death in subconscious reverence.

Humans are death. It’s all we have. It’s all we know. Our food comes from disguised genocide, our medicine keeps you ill with false hope and health, the extension of life is merely a prayer sent to death. Please, please don’t let me die. Who are you asking? If faith is in your toolbox, how fares it against mortality? It is not faith, religion, government. None are to blame. A sentient species is only as good as its kindest, most generous members and humans cling to the skin of life far after their time has come.

Look at what humans admire and idolize. Who are cast aside, stepped on, and elevated- where is justice and hope when staring in the face of ruthless finance? This whole world is diseased- all humans worship is death, and business. They are one in the same. Every job is a killing job. The ones we love, the ones we hate. They exist not to provide for us, but to stimulate greed and to push us toward a singular ideal- work hard, save dough, get rich, live dreams. You can’t live a dream! You can only relinquish to time and hope your inadvertent and subconscious obsession and reverence of death allows you enough ignorance to enjoy the only part of death that makes sense- life.

Humans looking or asking for/about the meaning of life has missed the answer all along. Some may weave complicated metaphorical tapestries (like myself) that end up as bullshit in the face of time and reality- others choose to seek meaning in personal accomplishment, volunteerism. Other still? they seek accomplishment through murder, rape, and torture. The greater good is always good when you are a part of it, and humans have a way of ensuring that they survive so they can pass on the story of their brush with death, as well as exposing the death of others in an effort to be grateful for life. But no-one is grateful for life.

We waste it at work, in substances, in sloth. The smiles behind everyone- from the homeless wretch to the highest billionaire; our smiles and false gratitude are ways to conceal the true nature of humanity from our fellow humans, burying the instinct deep within a concept called “society”, or behaving in a “civilized” manner. Civilization is a fucking joke. We still have gladiatorial pits. Only when athletes die, it’s a mistake, accident, or tragedy; but in the same breath there are humans happy from this misery, enjoying the death of another.

The shrill words of the fundamentalist, so certain that his god is there, and wants you to die, the “wisdom” of the atheist so certain that his god doesn’t exist, the intelligence of a scientist, so certain of his work that all other concepts, facts, ideas- all illogical and useless, to be cut away from the precious time (HA!) we have. These cocksuckers are lying to themselves, and so are you.

You are a disciple of death. There is no escaping it, and the only true meaning of life is to die. There is no greater honor or disgrace than the grave. Hell. We even purchase life insurance policies to give our loved ones money after we die. Humans are wrong, awlays wrong, and we are so certain of our certainty that we are literally killing one another.

And I ask you. Do you still question the human devotion to its one god? The only religion ever to stick with any bipedal, pathetic, ignorant greaseape is death. So until the moment you achieve death, fill the void with things you enjoy. There is no being right, or wrong. No truth, no lies. You must sculpt your own life before you can even desire death.

So stop wasting time and embrace life through the concept of its end.

Gun Control is Never About Guns

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Fear is the basic principle that drives every single human being to their destination- death. Life is the journey we take in order to reach this destination, and the experiences along the way that we may experience are unique- they define us for good or bad. Humans fear other humans. More specifically, humans fear the intent of other humans. This fear drives us towards more fear, and eventually, we are doomed to become agoraphobic, atrophied sheep lead by a rich man in a shiny suit over the edge of complacency. And most people wouldn’t even know what happened.

Recently, I read an article in a “newspaper” that mentioned this story. Being the quality, unbiased newspaper that the Daily News is, they sided with “good” and said that death was being taken off the streets.  A whole shit ton ‘o gun was found and seized. Yay! The weak read this article and think, “oh good. More violence that I don’t have to worry about.” And that’s good. That’s really good, because that is a trap that most fall in to.

There is no ‘they’ in this post. There is only you. More specifically, us. Death and violence are woven into human culture by blood and nerve. We are violent creatures, always looking to assert ourselves against peers on this tiny rock. Some of us turn to violence. Mugging, stealing, sadism. Others find more civilized ways to subvert and destroy our peers. Money, politics, careers. All things that can be manipulated, applied, and then reaped with no-one the wiser. Know why? Cuz’ the real threats are tangible! They are never subtle. They are bombs, disease, guns, minorities, drugs. And now? Look what we have.

Humanity is weak. It’s weak, and its afraid. The only time we show some spine is when we are in peril, and even then most men and women would turn tail and run in the face of darkness. Even now, our freedoms are being suppressed, and we aren’t…doing. Anything. Look at this planet. Look at her people. Ignorance, bigotry, and violence touch EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. PLACE. On this Earth, but we still fear the black guy with a gun hiding behind our curtains.

Wake the fuck up.

Danger is everywhere, and comes in many forms. Guns aren’t the problem! People are. Knives, bombs, fists, spoons, forks, glass bottles, telephone wire, paper weights, poison, fire. The list goes on. Humans are frail, people. We can die from an infection for Christ’s sake, and we’re the most worried about guns? Speaking of guns, we can blow up the world 10 times over with nuclear arms, but where are the advances in medicine? Sure, we’ve come a long way, but considering all the people we can kill en masse, why has humanity never considered healing? Because we need to defend ourselves! We need to defend this country, and we need to make it safe! More jails, more prisoners, less guns, less violence. Right?

HA! Doesn’t anyone else see this? Humanity becomes afraid. Humanity invents weapons. Humanity scares itself. Humanity bans weapons. But not all of humanity, right? Look who has all the guns. The real guns, not the dumbass .22 short rifle plinker your dad gave you when you were twelve. The long range missles, the tanks, the machine guns, the gunships. Look at all the military tech. Who has these? Who do they take such weapons from when these implements are found in the “wrong” hands?

I bet you’re rally against the government now, right? Well, you’re a fuckin’ idiot then. Gun Control is merely a portion of a self perpetuating cycle of violence and fear that humanity has locked itself in ever since we were dumb enough to kill one another for even dumber reasons. Getting rid of all the weapons will not make humanity safer. It was never about weapons! All of the violence and the laws attributed to abating said violence derive from one source, and that is ourselves. Humanity is to blame. Guns do not grow out of the ground as natrually occuring means to defend the defenseless. THey are made by humans. Bombs cannot be harvested like a truffle below the base of a tree. They are made by humans. And what is the final missing factor that involves violence involving weapons?

A human operator. Shut the fuck up (like I’m about to do) and get serious. Wanna feel safer? That responsibility starts with you. Stop blaming guns, stop blaming the government, stop blaming your neighbor.  We are all at fault for the state of things now, and we must now all ride the storm through as a species. Will we abate the storm? Or just make it worse? More importantly, what will you do?