Dark Hope

Human matters have become more and more alien to me.

There is no purpose in this pathetic life. Why do you breathe? Why do I? I don’t have any reasons except the need to find a reason every day I draw breath. Why? I don’t know. I truly don’t.

I guess friends and family can stay the tide of self harm. But when does that cease being effective? Or when does it stop offering comfort?

This world and its people deserve to die and burn in the fires of unimaginable agony to pay for all the terrible, horrible destruction and corruption we have plagued this planet with. All my endeavors are tainted by my own humanity, my own innate disgusting human- my species.

Watching the world with tired, angry eyes as the humans scurry around me, worried about problems that I will never care about. When I am told by someone that they purchased a new car, I truly don’t care about your pathetic achievement. I took a shit today. They are on par. When I am told by someone that they love their job, I want to suffocate them with my fists, jam them down their ignorant throats and fist fuck their face until death. Why? I don’t fuckin’ know. Envy? Jealousy? Frustration? Anger? You pick. When someone gushes about a new product they’ve purchased, or an inconvenience they’ve suffered, or the dues that they no longer have to pay my only answer to them is SHUT THE FUCK UP.

That’s the answer I have for myself most days. Not today.

Ever spent some time in the burning purgatory of retail? What about customer service? If one wants to find out how petty, useless, and pathetic the human race is, enter the working world and listen to what people complain about. Are they valid? Or empty? It doesn’t matter because they will tell you if it is or not. And you must believe it. They will abuse and berate you, and you must exercise control.

I knew a greeter for Sam’s Club once. Vietnam veteran. He asked an individual for his club card as he entered one day, and the individual spit on him and said, “I don’t have to show you a fuckin’ thing.”

Because he took that abuse, he kept his job. Was it worth it? Fuck what you know. When others complain, I cannot listen. Mostly because there is too much running around in my mind and coherent thought is a luxury most days. I complain. Right now, I’m complaining. And I am just as useless as the rest because I am doing NOTHING about how I feel. I am letting myself feel miserable, and every day I recognize this means nothing. Nothing beyond self awareness. But I am functional.

I found my hatred bare one day before I adopted it into my soul. Hatred starts scared. Tiny, puny, shrinking from conflict. I took it in, sheltered it, and it became a part of me as I nurtured it with fear and watched in horror as it grew into a black, endless rage thickened by depression and despair.

In this world. This shitty, terrible fuckhole of a gaping diseased asshole we call modern society, there are people working actively to make it worse. Are you one of them? If yes, kill yourself.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t tied my own noose yet.

 

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Death- the Only True Human Religion

Trapped in this wretched hole as each click of the clock shreds reason and vitality. I am sick of this place. Every moment, every accomplishment is tainted by the darkness of this world. Blood-colored glasses opposed to rose, glass shattered not full. Watching in silence, each human moving slowly through their pathetic lives, just like me. Even the rich ones. The celebrated ones, the humans who we elevate for no reason other than masturbatory aid and spite, they are just as pathetic and pointless.

Money, whether one has it or not, does not dictate the quality of ones life. The quality comes from within and without, a collective forced upon us all by the other stinking, greasy apes we share this shithole with. Ever smell humans in a crowd? Their sweat, their breath, pushing against your lips and face, the sick primitive heat pulsing below an oily sheet of weeping sores and nerves. Itchy, irritating, like a burn from human waste.

There are no humans worthy of saving. No humans worthy of anything but misery and death, the only things we fully understand and worship. Truly, death- misery can be quelled, but all of our actions stem from the terror of death. More than just instinctual, modern humans hide from it, sheltering themselves under substance, surgery and medicine- atavism, fashion, entertainment, breeding, eating, it’s all in worship to death.

It’s the only true human religion. Death. It’s something that we all understand collectively. We don’t know what happens leading up to death or what happens after, but humans constantly prepare themselves for that moment, the split second before the grave when life and death hold together before drifting apart once more. Rot. Decay.

Have you ever took in the odor of a rotting carcass on the side of the road? Bloated in the summer, black welts pushing through the pristine fur you’d still like to touch. Their guts, blood, misery- all frozen in their last moment, their dignity displayed. I envy and laugh at the dead. The reverence they receive, the reverence they don’t. Respect for life to worship death isn’t even a thought. We kill, metaphorically kill, betray, destroy. Look at what we’ve created in the name of medicine, or life. Now look what we’ve created in the name of death.

Guns, swords, bombs, poison, explosives. The filthy human can destroy the planet a thousand times over but we still hack humans open in the name of health to heal them. And heal them we do, sure. But consider the sophistication of modern weaponry when compared to medicine. We can kill anything, but we still lack cures for diseases that have been around for too long. We cannot heal anything.Humans prolong death in subconscious reverence.

Humans are death. It’s all we have. It’s all we know. Our food comes from disguised genocide, our medicine keeps you ill with false hope and health, the extension of life is merely a prayer sent to death. Please, please don’t let me die. Who are you asking? If faith is in your toolbox, how fares it against mortality? It is not faith, religion, government. None are to blame. A sentient species is only as good as its kindest, most generous members and humans cling to the skin of life far after their time has come.

Look at what humans admire and idolize. Who are cast aside, stepped on, and elevated- where is justice and hope when staring in the face of ruthless finance? This whole world is diseased- all humans worship is death, and business. They are one in the same. Every job is a killing job. The ones we love, the ones we hate. They exist not to provide for us, but to stimulate greed and to push us toward a singular ideal- work hard, save dough, get rich, live dreams. You can’t live a dream! You can only relinquish to time and hope your inadvertent and subconscious obsession and reverence of death allows you enough ignorance to enjoy the only part of death that makes sense- life.

Humans looking or asking for/about the meaning of life has missed the answer all along. Some may weave complicated metaphorical tapestries (like myself) that end up as bullshit in the face of time and reality- others choose to seek meaning in personal accomplishment, volunteerism. Other still? they seek accomplishment through murder, rape, and torture. The greater good is always good when you are a part of it, and humans have a way of ensuring that they survive so they can pass on the story of their brush with death, as well as exposing the death of others in an effort to be grateful for life. But no-one is grateful for life.

We waste it at work, in substances, in sloth. The smiles behind everyone- from the homeless wretch to the highest billionaire; our smiles and false gratitude are ways to conceal the true nature of humanity from our fellow humans, burying the instinct deep within a concept called “society”, or behaving in a “civilized” manner. Civilization is a fucking joke. We still have gladiatorial pits. Only when athletes die, it’s a mistake, accident, or tragedy; but in the same breath there are humans happy from this misery, enjoying the death of another.

The shrill words of the fundamentalist, so certain that his god is there, and wants you to die, the “wisdom” of the atheist so certain that his god doesn’t exist, the intelligence of a scientist, so certain of his work that all other concepts, facts, ideas- all illogical and useless, to be cut away from the precious time (HA!) we have. These cocksuckers are lying to themselves, and so are you.

You are a disciple of death. There is no escaping it, and the only true meaning of life is to die. There is no greater honor or disgrace than the grave. Hell. We even purchase life insurance policies to give our loved ones money after we die. Humans are wrong, awlays wrong, and we are so certain of our certainty that we are literally killing one another.

And I ask you. Do you still question the human devotion to its one god? The only religion ever to stick with any bipedal, pathetic, ignorant greaseape is death. So until the moment you achieve death, fill the void with things you enjoy. There is no being right, or wrong. No truth, no lies. You must sculpt your own life before you can even desire death.

So stop wasting time and embrace life through the concept of its end.