Kindle Formatting Frustrations

I have never run into a bigger load of fuckin’ horsehshit in my entire life.

Formatting my cocksuckin’ book for muthafuckin’ Kindle has been as joyful as popping hemroids with a flamin’ needle and then jamming said needle into the tip of my cock and blowing my nose into my own ass. It’s fuckin’ unbelievable all the shit you have to go through to get this motherfucker published. It’s insane. Sure, it’s easy to upload the god damn file to Kindle. But. You gotta format that motherfucker first.

Fortunately, there are some kind souls out there that have posted guides. You can find a whole host of them on YouTube. Here are just a few: Part One, Part Two, Part Three (thanks Paul Salvette!).

I didn’t know that I had to learn HTML, and CSS, and WEEWEE5, and DICKSHIT8-2.0. Turns out I did. I’m not giving up, though. Oh no. No sir. Not fuckin’ givin’ this shit up. It has become waaaaaaaaaaaaay too personal for me to walk away now.

Oh, things try to stop me. This keyboard, for instance? I have to rail the FUCK out of the spacebar to insure that I get a space between my words. My hard drive? If I touch it, it disconnects and reconnects. Lotsa shit like that happens, but I am not stopping. No. No fuckin’ way.

I don’t givea good flopping fuck what shit this whole process throws at me. I’ll deal with it all. I was excited to get my book on Kindle post haste, but it turns out I have a VERY long way to go. I’m going to juggle publishin’ my shit, and update this fuckin’ blog with the new book I’m writing. I will try an keep myself from punching my dick through my computer monitor in sheer fuckin’ rage while slamming my own fist into my ass because I hate m’damn self. Stay with me motherfuckers, cuz’ it’s gonna get a whole lot FUNNIER from here on out.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

imad

My Amateur’s Guide to Publishing on Kindle

Wheeeeee!

Alright, so I’ve started to convert my book (Geneslave) to a readable format for Kindle. I’m still working out the kinks, but I will be able to upload it and sell it very soon. I’m going to list this shit step by step as best I can. If you have questions, ask me. I will answer them the best I can. Anyway, here’s what I did.

Before you do anything, you gotta make sure that your book will even look right on a Kindle. Go to this webpage. It will tell you what it has to look like. I did what it told me to do by eliminating headers and footers, having the correct title page and copyright page (go to this link to find out what a proper copyright page should look like. Thank you Camilla Chafer!). Then, you gotta make sure you’re using automatic indents that your word processor has. You can’t use tab, or for the love of SHIT do NOT use manual spacing. It looks terrible.

Now that your word file is all Kindlefied, you must convert it to a wepage format so Mobipocket can convert it to a file that Kindle can understand. I’ll explain what Mobipocket is later. In your word processor, you must save the file as: WEBPAGE, FILTERED. It’s best if you save it to your desktop so you know where it is easily. That’s what I did. With that ready, it’s time to download Mobipocket to get your book ready.

Go to this webpage to download Mobipocket, which is a free program that will convert your book into a file type that Kindle can utilize. Once you have it installed on your computer, open it on up. Remember the first webpage I directed you to? Scroll down. It has ALL the instructions you need to build your book. Did you follow the instructions? Good.

Once build, sit on your new creation. You gotta download one more program here. Make sure you download the file under the title: Download Kindle Previewer 1.61. I picked the wrong one by accident and I had to open command prompts, cast spells, shoot lasers, it was a fuckin’ disaster.

This program is made so you can take a look at your book’s presentation when it’s on Kindle and ready to be purchased. Once again, go to the first webpage link I posted in this blog  to find out how to use the Kindle Previewer. If it looks good…well I don’t know. Mine looked like shit. HA!

I’m going to have to re-do the way my book looks a little bit in order to make it look better on Kindle. I’ll definitely post my steps, struggles, and triumphs so you don’t have to face them. If you know a 100% surefire way to make a book look good on Kindle, PLEASE. Do not keep these secrets to yourself. Share them here. I will publish it on the blog and give you credit.

Stay right here! I’m so CLOSE!

How close are you?

Finishing Geneslave

Been awhile.

I’ve decided to postpone releasing Backward Epiphany and finish up proofreading Geneslave. And that’s exactly what I did. Geneslave is ready to go, and it will be the first book I publish. I can admit it. Backward Epiphany is not as strong as Geneslave, and I want to start out with a good head of steam, right?

Anyway. I wanted to talk about Geneslave and how I feel about it. It was a blast to write it, and it was a blast to re-read it to proofread. I remember the fight scenes the most. And please don’t think that I’m gloating, or flexing my writing muscles. This is literally an author that is happy with what he created.

My heart would pound, I would lean in, start breaking a sweat. I knew what was gonna happen. I wrote the frickin’ book, but I still found myself loving the story, and loving the characters. Refining it with the proofreading, it was a labor of love. It truly was. I knew that whatever I did to make this book better for the reader would make me a better author. I consider entertainment a very serious matter. If I write something, and it fails to entertain the reader, or it insults their intelligence, I have failed. Failed miserably.

I will not fail. I’ve come to far to fail, so when I finish proofreading a book, it’s not because I “want to get it over with”. I want it the best it can fucking be to make sure I can entertain as many people as possible. Money is gravy. I have a job already, this isn’t supporting me. Financially.

I can’t wait to get this thing on the market for Kindle, and when I do, I will list my steps in detail. I may have to omit personal information. I don’t know yet, but I plan on being as open as possible. Publishing my own book has never been closer in my entire life, and I’m anxious again. Jittery. I can’t wait.

Sometimes, though, I do have a fear of completion. Self-sabotage, kinda. It’s very strange. I feel sometimes like I want to keep the book hidden not for fear of ridicule. Just…that’s how I feel. It’s stupid, and if writing this blog and starting this literary revolution has taught me anything, I will never let my fears and anxiety stop me from doing what I love doing. And it should be the same for you.

Lemmie know. Ever have finisher’s anxiety? How did you feel about publishing a piece? Finish a piece? Hell, writing a piece? I want you input.

The Wrong Cover Letter

       Here’s a bit of humor for ya. This is the cover letter I wish I had the guts to send somewhere when I was in college. It’s good for a laugh. Enjoy:

 

Dear Sir or Fucking Madam:

 I am writing for inquisition of my piece Fuck Your Mother (word count: 559,006.334) for submission in the literary journal, We’ll Never Take yer Shit.

I am aware that the acceptance rate for new authors is negative 10 percent, and I am also aware that if I have some kind of shiny badge or award, I will be accepted into your shitty anus of a journal, so I would just like to say that I ain’t got shit for awards, and this letter will fall on deaf ears.

Fuck Your Mother is a literary non-fiction psychological romance thriller that begs the question: Why are literary magazines filled to the brim with shit? It answers by saying that no matter how much I write, I will need some kind of acceptance or award in order to be submitted into other literary journals, and I will need a whole godamn PILE of literary awards  in order to get an agent for my novel, Suck my Metaphorical Dick.

            It’s funny that I noticed this trend of crap and how it smells up my life with ridiculous reasons and austere and pompous attitudes. Just because my work isn’t accepted into fucking Glimmertrain or The Black Warrior Review, doesn’t mean my work is bad.

            It just means that it doesn’t have a shiny award.

            This goes for millions of other writers out there, some who get so fucking discouraged that they stop writing, and decide to get some shit job working late in order to finish their play which will never been seen by anyone.

            Also, I will have a college degree very soon, but will wind up working in a fucking Wal-Mart because let’s face it- if you got a degree in English, you basically have a degree in poverty.

            So, I’ve essentially wasted my money which is my fault, and I am wasting my time, which is your fault because I know damn well that this will be overlooked and scrapped because “I am an emerging writer fresh out of college and I am hungry to learn about the business of writing”, blah blah FUCKING blah.

            Thank you for your time (not really) and consideration (rejection) for my piece Fuck your Mother. It has been an anal-retentive joy to write this shitrag, and I hope you all burn in Hell for what you do to young, good writers and their drive to EXSIST!

 

Blow me,

 TheDisfigured

 

     When I wrote this, I’d about had it with the publishing industry and its bullshit. I laughed my shlong off when I went back to read it, but when I wrote it? It was liberating. Try it one day. Write a cover letter that totally expresses your frustrations and anger. Share it here, I’d love to read it.

The Kindle Approach

     Gathering all my energy, I have prepared myself for what lies ahead.

     Backwards Epiphany is ready to go. Now, I begin the process of getting the full body of work into a document that Kindle accepts, as well as a format. This is a confusing process at first. I must say, I hate this aspect of the business. I’d rather just write and let someone else take care of the details, but I’m doing this on my own steam. Nothing is going to stop me, least of all myself. Sometimes, that’s the biggest obstacle, I swear to God.

     Anyway, I did some research on uploading to Kindle. Here’s a handy link I found: https://kdp.amazon.com/self-publishing/signin. I’m excited. Antsy. Scared. I’ve never published a novel before. I’ve been published once, and I even won a contest with a short story of mine, but this is something…different. It’s genuinely frightening, but with that fear comes a wave of excitement. I’m not quite sure which beats which.

     There are some familiar pieces that I noted, like special document extensions, or formats, but I love how do it yourself it is. Some literary agents and publishing houses won’t even look at your manuscript if there is a minor error. I’m not talkin’ about submitting a manuscript in Comic Sans and in different colors. I’m talkin’ about the wrong fuckin’ margins. I digress, nevermind. I don’t mind adhering to format as long as there is room for error. Whatever, I screwed myself up.

     Formatting, files, royalties, agreements. It’s all screaming around in my head, bumping into the sides of my skull and back again. In the chaos of a fragmented mind like mine, it becomes a din of noise. Noise that only I can hear. Songs, lyrics, commercials, ideas, worries, pains, voices, phrases. It’s a mishmosh of madness, but I am learning to focus, and to drown out the ambiance and focus on what’s important.

     Forgive my rant. I’m just really excited and anxious, and I want others to share that feeling with me. Ever publish something? How did you feel? Have you ever published through Kindle? Let me know, I’d like to get a discussion going.

Explaining Fictional Technology

     Novels like mine always have a lot of super high-tech stuff and things that rarely have the time for the sheer amount of exposition needed to explain how they work. For Geneslave and Backwards Epiphany, I plan on providing information based on fact that describes how a certain technology works in the world on that novel. Before Geneslave, I’d like to address Backwards Epiphany.

     Backwards Epiphany takes place in an alternate version of Earth where we have completely obliterated the planet, leaving it as a hideous desert wasteland that are inhabited by all sorts of terrible beings. Some human, some not. Called The Wastes, the massive desert that has become out planet is dotted with enormous congregations of humans called Megacities, covering thousands of square miles and shooting high into the sky. Like, miles into the frickin’ sky. Congested and fast-paced, these cities can be seen on the horizons like mountains of steel and glass. Like any city, it has good places, and bad places. It has good people, and bad people.

     Water is the largest problem. Rain is tainted and must be purified before ingestion. Most established Megacities are on coasts close to sea water, where thr desalination industry have become more powerful than the oil companies of today. Millions upon millions of gallons of  sea water is purified, made fresh, and pumped into the hearts of Megacities straight from the ocean. Food is more processed than you could ever imagine, and whole meals can be created from a few strands of DNA, a molecule or two, and money.

     Government is dictated Megacity to Megacity, and immigration between Megacities are dangerous endeavors. Each Megacity is considered its own “country”, requiring that you have proper documentation, identification, and a decent criminal record to join the community. Each Megacity has its own military, navy, police force, blah, blah, etc.. It’s own President.

     Trade is very common between Megacities, and will all the extra fossil fuels found by exploring the sea for stable desalination plants, flying is the safest way to exchange goods between each bastion of civilization. Travel on land is risky, and all caravans must have full military escort at all times.

     Okay, with that said, I wanted to touch on David’s gun (David is the main character in Backwards Epiphany). It took me quite a while to come up with a weapon that really fit David. If I ever find the concept art again, I’ll post it. I didn’t want to give him a stereotypical revolver, or something tacky like dual pistols or some silly shit. I wanted to give him something that embodies what he is- a whole lot of danger in an unassuming package. The weapon I went with is a semi-automatic magnum with a state of the art suppressor that basically makes the bark of each shot a gasp and a click, masking the sound of the gunshot by emitting a frequency that literally cancels out up to 60 percent of the noise generated by the discharge. It utilizes a special bullet that inflicts severe damage on soft tissue and pierces through armor with equal ease. Why? It has a scanning device that assess the target’s density and distance in a rectangle the size of a playing card. Once scanned, the info is sent to a miniature, armored computer inside of the weapon, powered by a battery pack that charges itself by utilizing the heat energy released from an expelled round.

     Once the distance and density has been assessed (within mere nanoseconds) the projectile’s speed is adjusted via the control of gases (emitted by firing the projectile) and kinetic energy distributors within the weapon. On soft targets, the projectile has a tiny hole pressed in its tip, making it mushroom out and distribute the perfect amount of energy into the target to cause tissue damage equivalent to a 12 gauge shotgun blast at close range. On hard targets, extra velocity is added to the projectile, and the tip of the bullet is shaved into a tapering needlepoint. It is a handgun that can turn a thug’s head into jam at 10 yards, and can also rip through bullet proof glass at 100 yards away. Accurate, deadly, and silent, David’s pistol is one of the most outrageous weapons I have ever designed in a piece of fiction.

      Phew, I feel like a friggin’ scientist over here. Anyway, when I do publish, I wanted to let ALL my readers know that I will be the most accessible novelist you will ever find. I will directly answer questions about my characters and books, and I will explain technologies that I develop within these stories if I haven’t addressed them for you already. I’m here to help, teach, and have a good time. I would take advantage of that if I were you.

Getting Discouraged

     Authors would tell me all the time that I’m in the wrong profession, and that I should give it up. I even went to a writer’s conference in New York City at Marymount Manhattan College where a panel of published, “successful” authors said that “if you can do anything else other than writing, you should.” Also, some stupid fuckin’ twat on the panel quoted some godamn author about some shit no motherfucker on the planet ever heard of to sound smart. This was before I really got my teeth, so I stayed silent. But if I could go back…whooooo. She’d fuckin’ get it. They’d all get it.

     Complaining? Probably. But this had a point, and here it is. Lemmie tell you some shit, okay? Talent is nothing more than a desire to do something so much that you become really good at it. That’s all talent is. I can’t be anything but a writer. I can’t not be verbose. I can’t not describe, scream, tell stories. It’s who I am, and it should be who you are too.

     Now, I’m not saying that writing a full length novel is for everyone. It’s not. Hell, you may only want to write poetry or short stories, and that’s great! I’m not better than any other writer because I’ve written novels. It all comes down to who wants to do this more. That’s where quality comes in, much to the contrary opinion. The literary industry is failing, and I’m glad. Books are going digital. Right now, the publishing and literary industries are feeling the fire for letting the shit that Laurell K. Hamilton, J.K. Rowling, Stephane Meyer, and a whole shitfuck load of others get churned out (I’m not being sexist, don’t even go there. Those are just some off the top of my head).

     Let them burn. Literary agents too.

     Authors are looking to make it under their own steam, which is terrific. The ones that are in it for just the money, or have a disposable fanbase will lose interest and decay. The real authors, the ones that stand in the fire of endless rejection letters will shine, and if they’re work is shit? They’ll be lost, leaving only the strong survive. Darwin didn’t see that shit, lemmie tell you.

     I even had a fuckin’ food critic tell me that I would never make a living on being an author. A food critic. You’re not a godamn author. Not a writer. You’re a joke. You tell people what’s good and bad after stuffing your chaw. Don’t tell me what the industry is like. You don’t know shit.

     Don’t ever let anyone EVER tell you that you shouldn’t be an author. A writer. Don’t let anyone, no matter how much they “know” about the industry to make you shrink back into the darkness of undiscovered talent. Writer until you can’t write anymore, and fuck anyone that tells you different. I don’t care if they’ve been writing for a thousand years. Refine your skills and prove them all wrong.

     We’ll prove them all wrong. And we’ll see who’s left standing in the ashes unscathed.

 

 

Concept Art and Technique Improvement

     It’s been awhile since my last post, and for good reason. I’ve been proofreading Geneslave like a fiend, and I am almost ready to get this fucker published and turned loose on the public. With that said, I wanted to take a moment and talk about technique and concept art. Sounds fuckin’ boring as shitdicks, but I have a way of making the mundane terrific, so keep reading.

     Technique is something developed, not learned. Each and every one of us has their own technique as to how they write. You may use a lot of commas (something I do, it’s a bad habit), some of you may use profanity, vulgarity, metaphors. Over time, you develop a tone and a voice for what you do, and your whole creative process. I plan, I draw, I execute. That’s how I work. You gotta be ready to look at your work and say “this blows” and get ready to change it. One time, I was writing my first book, Mindraper. Got fifty pages into the fuckin’ thing and decided it was shit. Started the whole novel over again. Didn’t like my form. Didn’t like my technique. I did what I had to do to make a better piece of reading. Later, I learned that drawing characters, terrain, tech, weapons, etc. (like I mentioned in an earlier post) made me a more coherent writer. Here’s some more concept art from Geneslave, fresh from the notebook:

Some Weapons that I Played With

       Funny story, I wound up combining both of the weapons to create a super-powerful cannon that Sayner used in the closing chapters of the book. Thing was COOL. I’ll touch on that shit later. Drawing these basic concepts and just mulling them over on paper and in my mind first helped me generate an integral plot point that completed the story and added a violent, overpowered war scene that serves as just one point in a HUGE climax towards the end of the novel. I mean, I don’t let you go in this book. You’ll be exhausted by the time you’re done, and you’ll want a cigarette. Fuck, you may even send me flowers. Anyway, here’s some more shit from out my mind:

Fleshing Out the Meat for Sayner to Carve

          It’s also important to know what supports your characters. Ben Sayner, the main character in Geneslave, is a fuckin’ killer. It’s what defines him, but not what dictates his actions. Enemies are just…obstcales for him, not living people. He is merciless, but not without mercy. He is the polar opposite of Tolin, like I have stated before, but they are two sides of the same coin. Enemy development, the picture above this paragraph, is important for me. I need to have an idea of what my main characters will be tearing through, and how they kill. Eventually, as I write, the enemies become faceless meat to me too. Once that happens, I can really observe what my characters do to those they deem weaker than themselves. The results are often violent. Speaking of violence, it took me a long time to get the shape down for Sayner’s melee weapons. He needed a knife and a machete to hack through the jungle. And don’t you think for a second he doesn’t slice and dice with em’ too. Here’s some more concept art:

     Yeah, I have another page. Here’s part two.

     In the end, I didn’t want something flashy. It didn’t suit Sayner’s personality. I went with two simple, functional models that work well, and work easily for him. His character is a unique one: Sayner has empathy, pity, sensitivity, kindness. But, he’s also violent, rebellious, vengeful, and sadistic. His weapons reflect that. They are short and to the point without superfluous horseshit. The more exotic a weapon looks, the more fuckin’ useless it is, I swear. I try to have weapons that are extensions of my characters, not just a tool that they utilize. Unless that’s the effect I want, which leads me to my final paragraph.

     Technique and development are things that you will learn and grow with as you write, or draw. Paint, it doesn’t matter, they’re all tied in together. All I’m sayin’ is that this is what works for me. What works for you? If you don’t know, it’s just because you haven’t found a method that works. It’s out there. Keep writing, keep creating, keep swearing, fucking, fighting, crying, living. That’s how I found it. Hopefully that works for you too.

Development of an Idea and Concept Art

     Geneslave, the next book I will publish, was a long time in the making, and required a lot of research. Mostly, I wing the fuckin’ book, making up shit as I go along, but this book is special.

     I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

     Before I do ANYTHING, I develop characters and any kind of tech, gadgetry, or terrain that the characters might come across. I LOVE to draw. Being good at it isn’t the point (I’m not) but the development is. Drawing characters and attaching stats, and trying to understand this fictional world I’ve created helps me develop and write a full length novel.

     Right out of a role play game, I like to create character sheets for the different beings I create. Here is a picture of John Tolin, the villan of Geneslave taken right the fuck out of my notes:

Basic Stats, Weapons, Etc.

     See how basic it looks? How rough? Whenever I have an idea, it helps me immensely to put it on paper as a picture. Things become clearer, more easy to write about. I assign a face and a personality with the character, and then the book writes its fuckin’ self, I swear to Christ. 

     Tolin was fun to write as. You hate and admire him at the same time. Killing isn’t even like breathing to Tolin, it’s…it’s more than essential. It’s a part of him. You watch him commit horrific atrocities just to protect his own interests. He is a unique character, and is a disturbing mix of unerring logic and calculation splattered with the brutal violence of a rabid animal. The next picture is some concept art of Ben Sayner, the protagonist that is hunting Tolin:

A Hero is Born

     With Sayner, I wanted to create a person with a….oh fuck it. Sayner is my favorite character ever. I love this motherfucker, and I wish he was my friend. He is everything I want to be: powerful, determined, caring, and really sarcastic. There is a lot of me in Sayner, and if you know me personally, you will see it immediately. He also commits atrocities, and makes mistakes that he regrets in the heat of the moment. I wanted to add a more vicious side to show the reader that good people can be evil if the circumstances are just right. 

     Here is some concept art for the prologue of the book, where Tolin is first introduced  (he tears a regiment of freedom fighters in the Amazon rainforest apart with his bare hands). I wanted to have a better idea of what the area looked like so I could accurately write about him slinking around in the shadows, breaking men into bloody shards.

Also Included: Sayner's Armor and Superhuman Strength

      Now that you have a better idea about my two favorite frenemies, I want to tell you more about creating them. Sayner and Tolin represent the basic need for good to destroy evil, and vice versa. However, their struggle is anything but typical. Tolin has a motive that no person in their right mind could ever conceive, and his passion to achieve this end carves a bloody path through human dignity and respect for life. Sayner, on the other hand, kills just as horribly as Tolin, but his slaughter is more directed. They are two sides of the same coin. They will always be different, but will always be the same. God they were fun to create and to write. I miss them, I really do.

     Now, to completely shift gears.

     In the next couple of posts, I want to talk more about the conception of Geneslave itself, before I go on to describe the ideas I had for developing the technology and plotlines within (lots more concept art to come). But before I even describe the book I wrote, I had to introduce you to my boys. Get to know them. They are more than characters to me, and as I proofread Geneslave to get it ready for the market, I feel them inside my head. I miss writing them.

Becoming a Character

     Writers, if they have any fucking sense, should be their characters before they ever even put them on paper. Developing a character is not just making up a name and a  physical description. You have to live that character, you have to feel them under your skin, watching you write. Watching you fail and succeed.

     One of the most dangerous books I ever wrote was Backwards Epiphany, which is in the final stages of proofreading and will be placed to Kindle very soon. This book is about a man who takes vengeance. Yes, stereotypical as fuck, but I needed to change that. Many vigilantes will always try to not compare themselves to the people they’re killing, or try to be “better” than his or her targets. That’s not the case with David, the protagonist of B.E.. He knows that he must become scum, become a criminal, to destroy them. He loses himself in the self-induced madness, and my novel follows his descent and evolution.

     It’s dangerous because I placed myself where David was. I imagined myself as him, and started to adopt his attitudes in real life. Think it’s horseshit? Well, fuck you then. You don’t know shit.

     He begun to…not take over, but I felt myself already predicting what he was going to do next, before I wrote it. Before I imagined it. I felt my way through the darkness that was this novel, and was, or is, I should say, his character. He started to do things, terrible things, and I didn’t feel remorse for it. I started to understand him, and eventually, I found things within myself that brought David to life.

     I do not hide these things. Why? because. We must embrace all aspects of our personality. Writers just have the opportunity to turn it into something that others can feel and see. David, as well as all my other characters, all are shards of myself. The more time I spend with these fictional people, the more I feel them inside my head. Once again, think this is horseshit? Once again, fuck you. You don’t know shit. Writing a novel is akin to ripping your fuckin’ chest open and letting people examine your organs while you breathe and bleed. But, it’s not against your will. Or at least for me it isn’t.

     I have no problem baring all to readers. It’s what makes me a writer. But don’t you dare think for one fucking second that I don’t live my characters. When I kill a character, hurt them, make them do something, it’s moot. I don’t make them do a fucking thing. I don’t have control at that point, they are simply doing what I (or a piece of myself) would be doing.

     In a way, everything I write is simply an autobiography from different parts of myself, and it’s a constant fight to keep the me I show to the world the on top.