Here’s a bit of humor for ya. This is the cover letter I wish I had the guts to send somewhere when I was in college. It’s good for a laugh. Enjoy:
Dear Sir or Fucking Madam:
I am writing for inquisition of my piece Fuck Your Mother (word count: 559,006.334) for submission in the literary journal, We’ll Never Take yer Shit.
I am aware that the acceptance rate for new authors is negative 10 percent, and I am also aware that if I have some kind of shiny badge or award, I will be accepted into your shitty anus of a journal, so I would just like to say that I ain’t got shit for awards, and this letter will fall on deaf ears.
Fuck Your Mother is a literary non-fiction psychological romance thriller that begs the question: Why are literary magazines filled to the brim with shit? It answers by saying that no matter how much I write, I will need some kind of acceptance or award in order to be submitted into other literary journals, and I will need a whole godamn PILE of literary awards in order to get an agent for my novel, Suck my Metaphorical Dick.
It’s funny that I noticed this trend of crap and how it smells up my life with ridiculous reasons and austere and pompous attitudes. Just because my work isn’t accepted into fucking Glimmertrain or The Black Warrior Review, doesn’t mean my work is bad.
It just means that it doesn’t have a shiny award.
This goes for millions of other writers out there, some who get so fucking discouraged that they stop writing, and decide to get some shit job working late in order to finish their play which will never been seen by anyone.
Also, I will have a college degree very soon, but will wind up working in a fucking Wal-Mart because let’s face it- if you got a degree in English, you basically have a degree in poverty.
So, I’ve essentially wasted my money which is my fault, and I am wasting my time, which is your fault because I know damn well that this will be overlooked and scrapped because “I am an emerging writer fresh out of college and I am hungry to learn about the business of writing”, blah blah FUCKING blah.
Thank you for your time (not really) and consideration (rejection) for my piece Fuck your Mother. It has been an anal-retentive joy to write this shitrag, and I hope you all burn in Hell for what you do to young, good writers and their drive to EXSIST!
When I wrote this, I’d about had it with the publishing industry and its bullshit. I laughed my shlong off when I went back to read it, but when I wrote it? It was liberating. Try it one day. Write a cover letter that totally expresses your frustrations and anger. Share it here, I’d love to read it.
The guy that will steal my ideas and take credit for them.
My sole purpose on this earth will be to make you look good. Don’t mind me because the promotion you’re about to receive from the shit pouring out my cubicle will benefit you more than it will ever me. Consider me your invisible fortune cookie granting your wishes at unprecedented levels skyrocketing you up the corporate ladder faster than you can say “Good Morning.” Feel free to pick my overclocked brain and it will be at your disposal 24 seven, seven days a week. Fire your personal assistant because my loyalness will make her about as useful as a nail clipper and I will bow to your royal highness at the drop of a dime. Just yell “bitch” and I will answer to your beckoned call.
Your future little croonie.
I don’t think there’s any way to top this one, Disfigured! Not that I won’t try to do so tonight…
You should get a shiny award for this sentence: “It’s funny that I noticed this trend of crap and how it smells up my life with ridiculous reasons and austere and pompous attitudes.”
I’m glad you liked it. Try writing a nasty cover letter without thinking- just let the frustration and wit flow. I can’t wait to read it.
I’m going to have to go with a hate letter to the vet I took my old dog to. I can’t summon up enough vitriol for anything else. Apathy has overtaken me 😦