Anger, Shame, and Pain

Problems lately.

An excuse. A pathetic one nonetheless. Pain and shame are probably the two greatest motivating factors in my life, and I have had to deal with this up close and personally many times. I’ve been struggling with my writing for some time now. More than writer’s block, it is a will to fail that is pushing me down. I talk a LOT of shit on publishing companies, editors, agents, printers, everyone in the literary industry. But my biggest obstacle is, and always will be, myself.

I don’t want to complete my book.

I want to sit and look at it, disgusted at my own inability to complete and move forward. I get engrossed in side projects, blame my life outside of my book, fuckin’ name it. I want to rest on soiled laurels reeking of the past and my incredible ignorance. No matter who may fuck around with you in your life, you’ll always be standing in your own way. Always. You will find things out about yourself, you will change, you will die, you will be born, you will wish for death, pray for slaughter, everything. Meat is weak, will is strength.

—Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength Meat is weak, will is strength—

SAY IT. Repeat it in your head over and over, like a terrible mantra, a hideous, bloody mantra that drives itself deeper into your fucking brain until all that you are is infected and taken over by your mind. You body cannot exist without your mind, your soul, your will. Your soul can. Meat is weak.

I’ve been focusing too much on the fuckin’ meat. We’re all just shuffling bags of greasy beef, trying to live our meager lives. Meager, untilWE change them. I’ve had several rude awakenings in the last few weeks, and they’re all burning on my mind like a clothes iron, just waitin’ to come out the other side. I am ashamed of my own weakness and vulnerability. This brings anger, and finally, pain. I am furious with myself right now. I hate what I have started to let myself become, and now I’m on the road to change. My will is my power, and I am not allowing the meat to take over and make me weak.

Beat your body. Beat it up. Make it beg for you to stop, and then tell your mind to keep on going. You rlungs will burn, your muscles will cramp, your bones will crack, your eyes will rupture, your brain will liquefy, your blood with turn into thick ash and YOUR WILL IS ALL YOU WILL EVER HAVE. I WILL NOT LET MY MEAT PREVENT ME FROM WRITING MY BOOK. PUBLISHING. SELLING.

FEED. YOUR. WILL.

Your meat is already dead.

 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Anger, Shame, and Pain

  1. Welcome to the wonderful world of dejection. We all get it from time to time. Some of us get it longer than others.
    In our world, it seems like there’s a power that wants to sap our will from us. A hideous being of thought that wants to absorb you until there is nothing but a hollow shell left. I think we created it, through sheer volume of greed, hate and sadness. And not a lot of people realize it stalks through their lives, until they’re too far gone to care.
    But you’ve noticed, and you’ve already found the way to cast it off: change yourself. Break the apathy of your body and mind, remake the parts of your life too ugly to look at. When you do that, you weaken its grip, and eventually you will take that creature and hurl it back into the shadows it crawled from.

    Don’t give into it man. Don’t let the dark god win. You’ve got too much will and wile for that.

    Like

    • Couldn’t have said it better myself. It may slow me down, but it will NOT stop me. Thanks a lot for your words. They mean a lot to me, and the others that read them.

      Like

      • Coffee is fine Mel. You can’t be super strict or you’ll lose isenrett, it all starts to get dreary and boring. I don’t ‘do’ dreary and boring so I have to keep things isenretting and coffee is a part of that isenrett.I have a coffee when I wake up every morning, white and sweet, just how I like it. I cannot stand artifical sugar in my coffee. To me, coffee has to be ‘just so’ and if it isn’t perfect I don’t want it!I also treat myself to a coffee at my favourite coffee shop whenver we are out. Only difference now is that I get a medium, not a large.Enjoy your coffee Mel!

        Like

Be Heard

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s