Tag Archives: anxiety

The Suffocating Odor of Humanity

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I don’t want to be alive sometimes.

With that said, why choose such a dark phrase? Is my life really all that
bad? What drives me to feel this way other than myself? Are there
stressors, triggers, loops? Endlessly playing and relentlessly screaming. I
hate this planet. And I hate how it makes me feel.

Human interaction is one of the worst possible outcomes of any given moment during any given time. They’re crass, apathetic, disgusting, bigoted, oblivious, dull, blunt, useless. Utterly and completely useless. Those who are worthy of such labels run the gambit from friend, family to foe. In reality, there is no help from these sources. Only guidance. But the joke has yet to be revealed.

Apathy. It is a sickness bred directly into the dna of humanity through
years of shitty, terrible decision making and false, almost cruel,
humanitarianism.

Loved ones bare this apathy gene, the very unproven but very fucking godamn OBVIOUS gene that disables them from any prolonged sense of genuine help. Humans boast lies all the time. I’ve listed them in
previous entries:

“I’m here for you.” “You’re my one and only.” “I’m sorry.” “I’ll never
abandon you.” “I care about you.” Figure out the rest.

Love is real, sure! It is real and it is powerful, but it is not seated in
reality. We give gifts that are useless because we believe them to be not.
We do things for others without understanding how to, there is only the
sinking apathy that clings to me even now, whilst I write this fucking
abortion on this shit tube flying through the air.

Things said to others are thrown with clumsy haste, only to
hang there or insert like a fucking dagger into an unsuspecting heart.
Scoldings…adults telling other adults what is against the rules…spankings
like children, like the herds of children I was once assimilated into. Told
that there are always others who know better. Others who have a right to
make me feel like garbage. To take my way of life. To take my life itself.

If I reciprocated the feelings screaming inside me that have been inflicted
by my fellow man in perfect reflection I’d be destroyed like a wild animal.

I am a slave. Driven to the point of apathy, like the other greaseapes
slithering to their next pathetic and meaningless goal. I sit here not from
choice but from pity and pain, divided as always between a family that should stand up and unite. But there is no union. There is no acceptance. No apology is heard, rather considered. I go where I am told to go. I do what
I am told to do. I am struck down with un-necessary gifts and items, ones
that I am not grateful for, ones that I never even asked for. But that
doesn’t matter, does it? I’ve killed but 20 minutes pretending to care
about the next four hours of my future, but I can’t.

People work on their issues for the most part never, and this undeniable
fact of humanity causes those who exhibit effort and time, sometimes in
direct proportion to elevating the fallen, to suffer- and appear
unsuccessful. The mark of success is poor health, statin drugs, and a
shitty family dynamic. Money has nothing to do with it because money never measures success accept for when it is useful to utilize such a false and pathetic metric to subdue one’s own feelings of dissonance and
inadequacy.

Those emotionally retarded adult children throw tantrums that others who
are more able to help themselves are forced to deal with. It is obvious
when one is unwelcome, and it is obvious when someone is too weak for
reality. I have seen loved ones turn their cheer into spite as they
believed themselves to be spurned by those who have not betrayed them.

I have seen loved ones simply ignore those they care about even as their
loved one is speaking to them. I have seen loved ones make excuses for the
terrible, horrible fucked up things that the loved ones in their life do to
them. It is sad. Pathetic? No. Just sad.

Those who depend on such miseries long for those who are trying to improve.Trying to achieve better, happier, fuller lives. But motivation can carry someone a long way. Especially when the person has no will of their own and needs to destroy the hope and light in others to power their own selfish, childish, pathetic purposes.

I am suffocated by the thick odors of tight humanity- the greasy sticky
odor of processed meat, stale sweat, and bad breath. These odors are
imbedded into skin, and stained into my meat. No amount of washing will
free this odor from my corpse. It will always be there. I want to bite on
my fingers and mangle them with my teeth, forcing the odor out, forcing my body to grow back flesh that doesn’t fucking REEK of stale human stink.

People notice and support affliction when it is convenient to them. Fears,
illness, timing- they are all meaningless in the face of want. One can
express, per say, that they possess fear of a particular situation to
another. The other, sympathetic, may offer to alter said situation to
comfort a suffering individual. However. This is not an innate desire to
help speaking. No, this is convenience at its most cruel.

I have suffered situations like this many times, often at the hands of
those whom I love and trust the most. People are sympathetic to your pain
and struggles as long as it does not cost them one of two things (at
least): money or time. Those fearful now are forced to accept the reality
they thought to be safe almost immediately, and when there is resistance?
Those anxious to help offer venom and guilt to ensure their “charge” has
been properly subdued and processed for the future they have decided for
them. Like I said, these betrayals have almost exclusively happened with
loved ones in my experience, but in general, human interaction is just
awful and should be outlawed with the exception of text and email.

Why must I be invested in another human being simply because I am told I must? Why must I endure the destruction of my way of life and happiness
because what makes me able to wake up and stop the suicidal thought loop
isn’t what others think it should be?

Lies like to flood the mind, too in the heart of this ridiculous storm, one that no one should have to weather. They are meant to confuse, confound, and bury dreams and hopes.

An adult is created when the joy of life has been beaten out of them whilst
a child. Behind every successful, employed businessperson is a collection
of poisonous shattered glass. There is only misery in capitalism. Global
markets. War. There is only profitable misery in it all. There is only the
will to control others when the motive is examined.

We work until dead. We love until numb. We hate until we kill ourselves.
Why do I want to be a part of this again? To engage with other humans? Why do I want to do anything to participate in a society that has consistently forced horrific, blinding, choking anger and pain upon me? I don’t. And suicide isn’t an option that seems…intelligent at this point in my life.

Sounds like complaining. All of this crap. Every fucking word sounds like a
child screaming back at a world that knows more than it, but I can no
longer give a flying FUCK if that is the case because I refuse to believe
when others tell me they know the only way to live my life. They don’t know because they can’t live their own lives.

Help is an illusion. In the world that has been thrust upon us the very
moment our mothers squirt our little, slithering, pink malformed bodies out of her fish-rotten cunt, we are expected to accept help when it is
relentlessly given (even if unneeded, unasked, or incorrect), but in the
same breath, become completely self sufficient. Do you understand yet? If
not, start this blog entry over.

I hate humanity. I despise every second I draw breath as I watch each and
every one of you useless fucking mongoloids shit and piss all over everything you come in contact with. And the sheer fact that I must share my species with such loathsome pukes ruins me by way of a humble buttfucking that that drives my need to tie a noose.

I have seen what humanity calls help, and you better be ready to die if you
want to accept it. No one is there to help, and no one cares enough
outside of an emotional or tangible reward to spend any real time offering
aid. No, you must be the driving force for your own help and well being and
undying love because their is no one, not your mommy, or your daddy. Your wife, husband, or significant other. You teacher, your grocer, your police officer, your judge, your drug dealer, your pharmacist that GIVE. TWO. SHITS. About your well being once it is no longer convenient.

Fucked up Family Values

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Family emergencies burn away the refuse of false intent and reveal to those suffering the true colors and motives of those who once offered faux
support.

Once married, a new family is meant to formed. The stupid think that it is
so because of breeding. The selfish think it so because of breeding. The
egotistical think it so because of! Yes. Breeding. No. No you simple,
stupid fucking morons, no. A new family is forged because of the two
separate sets of strangers joined by a common thread of love.

This is not seen. Never seen. At least not by me yet, and I’ve been around
long enough to be jaded by this, amazingly, foreign notion. Family never
steps up, in my experience. There is always guilt, or inconvenience, or
chores attached to aid. In truth, I despise asking anyone for anything
because I fear their reaction. Their…tasks being held in their mind that
they believe are proportionate to the aid I ask for. It is never pleasant.
It is never quiet. It is always a big deal.

Death in my family- I man who I knew for a short time but loved died a
horrible, lingering, miserable, painful, agonizing death and I was there
with his grandkids and son. All would argue my time spent with this man could not possibly be significant merely because I didn’t know him. Like always, traditional human assumptions, traditions, and culture failed me and him and his kids. But stay I did. At times alone, listening to him waiting to die. Not me, mind you but him. Seeing is misery, knowing is pain- death was all he had left. And as I left to see him for the last time, I was made to feel guilty. I was made to feel guilt because I was neglecting my family.

Two sides of this fucked up puzzle are being jammed together, and all of
the adults embedded in this disgusting slurry of forgotten manners and
painful assumptions are making it worse by trying to give advice where it
isn’t warranted, needed, deserved, or even fucking wanted. But give their
two cents they must.

When my grandfather died, I was made, by my own parents/bosses, to close out the day and finish the deposits after they took his body off to be immolated. Why? Money. It didn’t matter, by the way, the amount of puissant money I shoved into the rotting cunt that is an American bank, but it was done, right? The morning he died, I was working and received a call to finish my task and then come and see my dead grandfather. They didn’t even wait. They didn’t even care. If they did care, I was blind to it.

As his death burned forth, my grief was stolen from me by my very family-
the one that said that we were all in this together. My grief was stolen
because it couldn’t compare to my mother’s. It couldn’t compare to my
grandmother’s. Who was tying to compare? Who was trying to win? Why did they think I was even trying to compete!? All I wanted was to feel my grief with
my family. Instead, I was forced to feel it alone.

And now when another grandfather in my life is dead, his death means less because the family business (the one established before  I married my wife) will suffer in my absence. I had to stare at my grandfather’s face after his death. It was frozen in the lingering misery that I left him in the night
before, hand clenched around his bed rail, the infection so bad in his
lungs that he couldn’t hide his pain, I had to stare at his grey waxen
face, and shuttered at his touch for my family failed to prepare me for for
just how long he was fucking dead, which was a long time. His body was
stiff, and beginning to swell. They never covered his face, and wouldn’t
let me when I expressed my distress.

The final moments of this new grandfather, the one outside my blood family but well within the new huge one created at the moment of my marriage, were lipped with guilt and unease as I try to grieve for the dead and those who he leaves behind, but I am accosted by the sensation of failure, of abandoning my family and placing my aging parents behind the wheel of a business that they don’t want and I can’t take.

All through this, my wife is barely there.

I stared at my new grandfather’s face after he died, me being the only
person in the room. His jaw fixed wide open, his eyes rolled into his skull, the repetitive, unceasing wheeze of the now useless oxygen machine, his
deathbed now stained with his lingering agony. I slept where he died for
this most recent visit.

In a full circle, the place where I work every single day of my life is the
same room my other grandfather died in- after his death, my father (who despised my grandfather) saw an opportunity to move the family business into the house. In either case my feelings were never addressed considering that I cared about both these people. When I addressed the issue, I downplayed it. I downplayed because I could.

True to form, I return to a place that now wants to hurt me because it
believes that I hurt it. This revenge, this sick familial revenge hangs
like burning tar in my stomach. Why must I be forced to do extra, or feel
poorly when I need help from the people that say they love me? It’s not
like I wouldn’t do extra without the guilt. Abuse. I would never want a
family member to feel this way, let alone my child! But this is the case
for me, and I fear for thousands upon thousands of others.

I love my family, and it makes me fucking sick when they feel they need to prove a point, teach a lesson, or give tough love from the position of settling a score.

I am an example. I am an example of what happens to a human being when they allow their surroundings and not their own person dictate how they think and feel. I am an example of modern day slavery in its perfect form, I am a mistake thrust upon this world by parents that never really got the point.

And above all this, above all the shit, I feel guilt. I feel guilt, anger,
and self loathing because even though family does terrible, horrible things
to one another, I still love them. And it’s not their fault for being as
atypical as every other bloated sack of organs on this wretched sewer we are somehow still calling a planet.

Don’t Help

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Once a mistake has been made, it is impossible to correct the ripples it made after coming in contact with an individual’s life.

Scared and lonely. Guilty. There are feelings that one can suppress, and their are feelings that one cannot indulge. In the middle, there are destructive entities that personify when we are suffering. Apply civilization to all problems, and all problems shall be solved. Apply business to all problems, and all problems shall be solved. Apply a mortal god to all problems, and all problems shall be solved.

People often help others with no concept of anything. Often, humans are so useless that our efforts to help another individual may be spurned, punished, or misdirected. Helping others is what ruins a life. An individual is seen as an incomplete person without autonomy, an individual who receives help is perceived as weak, and the individual that administers help is either a saint, or an asshole depending on which direction the fickle winds of shit-stained fate decide to blow their foul wind.

A society today is based on irreplaceable hypocrisy. It is only viable to help others when it is in direct benefit to you. That is the society that humans exist in. There is no help without a price. Those plying a free ride are liars, murders, or predators, meant to be drowned in the current of bullshit that flows from their throats. Some people who receive help forget it just as quick, and those who remember are struck down with the guilt of their dependence on someone else.

To summarize. Helping others is seen only as good when it is not bad. That is pathetic.

How often are those who ply aid plainly incorrect? I’ve taken plenty of bad advice because I was too scared to believe that I could be the architect of my own life. I’ve never made a single decision I’ve made. I’ve only done what I thought would help me survive, or just be left alone. Now there is only regret.

Regret. Guilt. Denial of repetition. Acceptance. Modification. Re-application. It is a sick wheel that those who don’t understand capitalism are trapped within. Now for all the helpful (read: useless) advice that people vomit:

“It’ll be okay.” “That IS your job.” “I’m sorry.” “That’s life!” “That’s the way it goes.” “I hope you feel better.” “That’s just how that person is.” “You gotta take a little abuse in your life.” “You’ll grow out of it.” “You’ll feel better as you grow older.” “It hurts less with age.” “Let it go!” “Snap out of it.” “Smile.” “That’s the way the world works.” “That’s the way it’s always been done.” “How’s your diet?” “Don’t lose/gain any more weight!” (but please make sure it always stays in perfect flux to avoid criticism) “There’s room to grow here!” “That’s just to start.” “Next time.” “It’ll all work out in the end.” “You don’t do that in society.” “Don’t feel that way.” “You’re stupid for feeling this way.” “Again?!”

Disconnected and useless, these phrases uttered in passing to an individual that is suffering is more insulting and hurtful than actually being ignored, which is modern society in a nutshell: apathy. Even when we care, we are apathetic, focused on our own dreams, urges, and well-being. Can we do both? Can we help others and ourselves? Or should everyone just shut the fuck up and do it themselves?

It’s not any one answer. The planet has been getting fucked up for billions of years, and now that we’ve noticed it, everyone is trying to come up with a universal answer. There isn’t one because you aren’t helping anyone because the notions invented in modern science are deemed successful based on how much money that can be made off them. Can one really think that such an old, archaic, cruel establishment can be changed with one answer? One person? I will not be the first to die in vain during the spark of pseudo-revolution. The world has enough innocent victims suffering and dying for no reason.

Modern society and humanity is built around the preservation of sick and dying things. It is all we do as a species. We repair unsafe machines that should be scrapped. We scramble to ensure that a dying business remains alive, even at the expense of our own real, tangible health; mental and otherwise. We let loved ones linger in traction while we listen to their last, horrid breaths when in fact, we should have the guts to grant them a death to be proud of. We abstain from euthanasia for our pets because the process of loss is too painful. Modern society itself is sick and dying; and humans of all shapes, sizes, and incomes are trying to breathe life into something that should be drowned in a toilet next to fresh semen stains plastered to the stall around a truck stop gloryhole. We literally kill others to keep a dying concept on life support. Here’s the thing with life support- whatever is being kept alive HAS TO DIE. HAS TO DIE. DEATH. Read it, get fucking used to it.

Death is not quick. It is not merciful. If it is quick, it is often extremely violent. A peaceful death does not exist because death isn’t in the dying; it’s the slow slide on a locked decline toward a pair of gaping black jaws in the pit of god. In all my experience with death, the dying would be better honored dead.

Want to help someone? Here’s my advice: “It’ll all work out in the end.”

 

 

 

The Lie of Mental Healthcare

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Mental illness has gone from fiction to trendy since it was first observed. It is always undermined, seen without gravity, and the injuries it leaves are not tangible, therefore the suffering is lesser. Humanity decides that mental health is something that only a few people are allowed to possess. They are allowed to possess it because of many reasons, like privilege, luck, genes. Some individuals can generate their own happiness, their own self-love simply by being alive. These people are lauded and celebrated, often until the point they kill themselves.

We are all sick. Every human is a tangled knot of disgusting, vile urges and regrets that we try to control through civilization. This mental illness is the greatest, for we all subscribe to it and at the same time, deny its impact or existence.

People cannot help the mentally ill. There is no hope for them. There is no help for them. Truly, because mental illness doesn’t exist yet. Not even amongst mental health professionals and other doctors alike, mental illness is a pathetic label used to market it to us as another keyboard warrior cause, to distract from those really suffering, to subdue and discard the unwanted pieces of society. When in fact, by this method, we should all be discarded.

Speaking with others to help mental illness is not always the best avenue, either. There are many times when people are just too obtuse, ignorant, or just plan thick to understand and actually help someone with mental illness. Rather, it is easier to support them from afar and then medicate and imprison once the mental illness has finally become bad enough to warrant recognition. As always, when this occurs, it is too late to help that person.

Those suffering with mental illness should not take heart. Should not find hope. There is no hope, the only hope is death if the ability to cope or heal is destroyed because the only help those sane enough to receive comes from within, something no-one is told about until it is too late. Until they are too damaged, too medicated, too hopeless to continue. The mind will be there until death finally stops tagging that soul along and reminds them that it was always there, guiding them. The trouble with the entire process is that no-one can help the mentally ill because no-one takes it seriously. No-one takes it seriously until it has impact on them, and that is the key.

Bullying is a popular trend now, many humans like to ride the concept of “being against bullying” to appear chic, compassionate, and moral. These humans are part of the problem, exacerbating the collective mental illness of civilization because of the cause. The “bullying cause”, like any other awareness campaign, has motives, failures, and misconceptions. The mental illness generated by the public school systems is inflicted; pushing children into tiny compartments to shame, drill, and destroy them until they are the proper shade of miserable to be a functioning adult. Bullying directly causes mental illness, but its label belies a lack of severity. In fact, bullying is verbal abuse at its core/beginning- the motives as to why probably steeped in just as much mental illness as it inflicts, but the “bullies” and the “victims” gain sympathy, but not help. They gain an awareness ribbon, but not help. They get recognition on Facebook, but no help. They get encouraging phrases, idioms, and quotes, but no help. Not help.

Sympathy not help. Sometimes not even sympathy, empathy at best, apathy at worse. The apathy of modern civilization should be called mental illness. The violence, the revulsion, the cruelty, the greed of civilization and industry is seen as positive. The apathy, and then the understanding and automatic forgiveness of an individual for doing something despicable “for the best of the business.” The progress of humanity and the deletion of our morality marks civilization- a concept that is sick inherently. The mark of civilization should not be in how big it is, but how mild it is. How supportive it is. How it treats others. By this indication, civilization is a brutal lie that is killing people right this secon.

Labels are applied to mental illness so that someone can come up with some kind of haphazard treatment plan in order to even remotely help the afflicted- depression, panic disorder, ADD, bi-polarism, schizophrenia, all cute little nicknames that highlight, almost in a comedic light, the underlying problem of disinterest and lack of understanding. Most would think that is where civilization’s focus should be, considering that all individuals are afflicted with mental illness as a direct result of it doesn’t matter. Considering that all people live and die, feel happy and feel sad, the focus of civilization and humanity in general would be to help understand these finer points to make an entire society healthier, mentally and physically.

Instead, humans are driven and brainwashed by everything around them (which includes self brainwashing, auto-hypnosis, media, family, friends, society, work, school) that instead, does not matter if the true goal of civilization was to be civilized. It is not- look at how the globe treats its mentally ill. Its elderly. Its animals. The brain, the human mind, is seen as an object, and if the timing is right, or a product. Tapping into the flow of dark greed and innocent blood that is consumerism, anything can be made into a product. A commodity. Something to sell. When money is involved, all parties involved should have their motives inspected with extreme prejudice and questioned at all time. If an individual is willing to spend thirty years of their life working for an individual they may very possibly never meet again and then smile and say “thank you” after they have been laid off without a warning is insane. Talk about mental illness.

With that said, how much can an individual be trusted? A person willing to work at a job they hate for the majority of their life; sometimes they never even meet the person they are doing the job for, and then smile and say “thank you” when they are fired and handed their last paycheck is just as insane as an individual caught within denial. Caught within psychosis. It is a sick, and tragic civilization that can kill a person and have them still work a shift, and then tell them their mental pain isn’t real. Tell them that their physical pain is inconsequential to their job, a job that in reality has no real importance other than what they have been told that is important. Worst of all, humanity wants this even though it denies it at the same time.

Help for the mentally ill is a cruel statement because it doesn’t exist. Help. Anything. Unless there is monetary, or morality prize at the end of it. It won’t be until civilization leaves behind its definition of sanity that those suffering will see aid, and that this disgusting, cyclopean, colossal idea of what modern society calls progress and prosperity is dead and rotting just above all the bodies it helped bury.