Kindle Formatting Frustrations

I have never run into a bigger load of fuckin’ horsehshit in my entire life.

Formatting my cocksuckin’ book for muthafuckin’ Kindle has been as joyful as popping hemroids with a flamin’ needle and then jamming said needle into the tip of my cock and blowing my nose into my own ass. It’s fuckin’ unbelievable all the shit you have to go through to get this motherfucker published. It’s insane. Sure, it’s easy to upload the god damn file to Kindle. But. You gotta format that motherfucker first.

Fortunately, there are some kind souls out there that have posted guides. You can find a whole host of them on YouTube. Here are just a few: Part One, Part Two, Part Three (thanks Paul Salvette!).

I didn’t know that I had to learn HTML, and CSS, and WEEWEE5, and DICKSHIT8-2.0. Turns out I did. I’m not giving up, though. Oh no. No sir. Not fuckin’ givin’ this shit up. It has become waaaaaaaaaaaaay too personal for me to walk away now.

Oh, things try to stop me. This keyboard, for instance? I have to rail the FUCK out of the spacebar to insure that I get a space between my words. My hard drive? If I touch it, it disconnects and reconnects. Lotsa shit like that happens, but I am not stopping. No. No fuckin’ way.

I don’t givea good flopping fuck what shit this whole process throws at me. I’ll deal with it all. I was excited to get my book on Kindle post haste, but it turns out I have a VERY long way to go. I’m going to juggle publishin’ my shit, and update this fuckin’ blog with the new book I’m writing. I will try an keep myself from punching my dick through my computer monitor in sheer fuckin’ rage while slamming my own fist into my ass because I hate m’damn self. Stay with me motherfuckers, cuz’ it’s gonna get a whole lot FUNNIER from here on out.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

imad

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My Amateur’s Guide to Publishing on Kindle

Wheeeeee!

Alright, so I’ve started to convert my book (Geneslave) to a readable format for Kindle. I’m still working out the kinks, but I will be able to upload it and sell it very soon. I’m going to list this shit step by step as best I can. If you have questions, ask me. I will answer them the best I can. Anyway, here’s what I did.

Before you do anything, you gotta make sure that your book will even look right on a Kindle. Go to this webpage. It will tell you what it has to look like. I did what it told me to do by eliminating headers and footers, having the correct title page and copyright page (go to this link to find out what a proper copyright page should look like. Thank you Camilla Chafer!). Then, you gotta make sure you’re using automatic indents that your word processor has. You can’t use tab, or for the love of SHIT do NOT use manual spacing. It looks terrible.

Now that your word file is all Kindlefied, you must convert it to a wepage format so Mobipocket can convert it to a file that Kindle can understand. I’ll explain what Mobipocket is later. In your word processor, you must save the file as: WEBPAGE, FILTERED. It’s best if you save it to your desktop so you know where it is easily. That’s what I did. With that ready, it’s time to download Mobipocket to get your book ready.

Go to this webpage to download Mobipocket, which is a free program that will convert your book into a file type that Kindle can utilize. Once you have it installed on your computer, open it on up. Remember the first webpage I directed you to? Scroll down. It has ALL the instructions you need to build your book. Did you follow the instructions? Good.

Once build, sit on your new creation. You gotta download one more program here. Make sure you download the file under the title: Download Kindle Previewer 1.61. I picked the wrong one by accident and I had to open command prompts, cast spells, shoot lasers, it was a fuckin’ disaster.

This program is made so you can take a look at your book’s presentation when it’s on Kindle and ready to be purchased. Once again, go to the first webpage link I posted in this blog  to find out how to use the Kindle Previewer. If it looks good…well I don’t know. Mine looked like shit. HA!

I’m going to have to re-do the way my book looks a little bit in order to make it look better on Kindle. I’ll definitely post my steps, struggles, and triumphs so you don’t have to face them. If you know a 100% surefire way to make a book look good on Kindle, PLEASE. Do not keep these secrets to yourself. Share them here. I will publish it on the blog and give you credit.

Stay right here! I’m so CLOSE!

How close are you?

The Kindle Approach

     Gathering all my energy, I have prepared myself for what lies ahead.

     Backwards Epiphany is ready to go. Now, I begin the process of getting the full body of work into a document that Kindle accepts, as well as a format. This is a confusing process at first. I must say, I hate this aspect of the business. I’d rather just write and let someone else take care of the details, but I’m doing this on my own steam. Nothing is going to stop me, least of all myself. Sometimes, that’s the biggest obstacle, I swear to God.

     Anyway, I did some research on uploading to Kindle. Here’s a handy link I found: https://kdp.amazon.com/self-publishing/signin. I’m excited. Antsy. Scared. I’ve never published a novel before. I’ve been published once, and I even won a contest with a short story of mine, but this is something…different. It’s genuinely frightening, but with that fear comes a wave of excitement. I’m not quite sure which beats which.

     There are some familiar pieces that I noted, like special document extensions, or formats, but I love how do it yourself it is. Some literary agents and publishing houses won’t even look at your manuscript if there is a minor error. I’m not talkin’ about submitting a manuscript in Comic Sans and in different colors. I’m talkin’ about the wrong fuckin’ margins. I digress, nevermind. I don’t mind adhering to format as long as there is room for error. Whatever, I screwed myself up.

     Formatting, files, royalties, agreements. It’s all screaming around in my head, bumping into the sides of my skull and back again. In the chaos of a fragmented mind like mine, it becomes a din of noise. Noise that only I can hear. Songs, lyrics, commercials, ideas, worries, pains, voices, phrases. It’s a mishmosh of madness, but I am learning to focus, and to drown out the ambiance and focus on what’s important.

     Forgive my rant. I’m just really excited and anxious, and I want others to share that feeling with me. Ever publish something? How did you feel? Have you ever published through Kindle? Let me know, I’d like to get a discussion going.